Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Self Reflective and Self Aware.....

When making decisions in the realm of love as it relates to relationships. Or even potential relationships, it is always fair to consider the other persons feelings. It is something very rarely practiced these days but still appropriate never the less. I don't honestly believe we are born evil or to be vindictive or vengeful. We r all somewhat products of our environment and those can later in life become acquired traits! I don't believe we naturally want to hurt others heart, but as time passes some become oblivious to their actions as it may relate to a significant other. And eventually it becomes so minuscule to them that they start to no longer even give it a second thought! I won't say they don't care, they just bury it internally deep and to an extent suppress caring! They become almost unaware that they quite frankly may be the Genesis of the problems in their relationship or household. Alot of time these people luck up and are in a relationship with an in abler, someone who just accepts this persons BS instead of confronting it and forcing them to look at themselves and make adjustments if not for any other reason than personal growth. As adults we are nothing if not adaptable! Evolving thru learning and using acquired knowledge to change for the better. Ignoring problem areas within oneself does not make them non existent.
I recognize these things because I am writing while self reflecting! I acknowledge that to an extent I am part of the problem! Acknowledging that will hopefully personally put me closer to a solution. I am flawed, I like myself as a whole yet there are things about me I am not fond of. I've tried various forms of suppressing, acting oblivious, ignoring, etc.
For the last 3yrs I have been intentionally single! Unwilling to accept the discipline or responsibility that comes with working with another person to establish trust, love and tranquility amongst the two people. I have accepted the attentions of women, most of which with no intended direction other than physical gratification. Not on any conceited shit but I have attributes that if nothing else would make me appealing to the opposite sex, but I'm in my mid 30's now and it's not just about being tall, attractive, intelligent and funny! Any woman over 30 if she is realistic she is looking for happiness thru security. Security physically, financially and emotionally! They want a family, as do I. But they want to be prosperous as well, as do I. It's not high school anymore were the two most physically attractive people are together because they look good together! Most woman look at attractiveness these days after they fix in on the security and resourcefulness aspect.

I have plenty of good quality traits, I have been employed thru my adult life, I provide my own residence, my own vehicle, I am a strong and active presence in my child's life! To very few that is enough these days! I am still missing something. My resources overall leave more to be desired. I've had in the meanwhile escapades, the while u get yourself together or more "secure" we can just be physical! That mixed with all the deception I see at close range from these "facade" relationships has disillusioned or dare I say discouraged me from starting and trying to maintain a real one of my own!

I remember a time when I was a one woman man. I was devoted, I was appreciative! I still am wise enough to know that as a man there is nothing better than the love of a good woman. I speak about this time in the past tense because I truly don't know if I'm that person anymore. I feel I may have corrupted myself the last few years ripping and running with no definite direction! I worry that me trying to channel that old settled me may be an exercise in futility. I just am trying to be aware of myself. I'm older now, it's not my intended purpose to waste time or have my time wasted! I don't wanna get distracted from what I wish to attain like I have a history of doing in other aspects of my life. Maybe I'm over analyzing as I tend to do sometimes! Or maybe a suppressed fear of failure after inordinate amount of time of devotion again to something that has a 50/50 chance of being all for not and my newly diagnosed lack of discipline has left me apprehensive and quite frankly may have me out right blocking my blessings! I wonder if or when I can or will overcome my dilemma!

Pray for Me......